Well. Ireland. The grand adventure, right? I told everyone back home “oh you know… even if it fails miserably, I’ll have gotten to go to Ireland, right?”
First thing people should know: Ireland is the asshole of Europe. Like if Europe was a working body, you have England probably as the head, Russia is most of the body and all the parts that really don’t matter, France is the hands, Italy is the stomach, Germany is… something, I don’t know, this analogy is quickly falling apart on me… THE POINT IS, Ireland is actually pretty awful.
There are exceptions to every rule, yes, but in general, the people are farmers who are stuck in the mentality they have maintained for hundreds of years. The men are bafoons and shovanistic, the women are slutty until they become excellent wives, and no one is trying to go anywhere with their lives. This is a very broad, very rude generalization. There’s are literally thousands of people who don’t fit this mold, this is just the status quo.
Me? That stuff honestly doesn’t bother me that much. I can deal. But I thought I was coming here for a purpose. I thought things were finally in motion, I thought we were going to make something real. This has not been the case.
Since coming here to join my friend in a “band”, we have done NOTHING. We have experimented our asses off, sure. Spent time in the studio working on things, sure. But we have NOTHING to show for it. The thing about this “band” is that I’m really pretty useless in it. I’m the “singer”. But we’re an electronic band. Something you need to understand, is that singers aren’t really necessary for electronic bands. He told me we’d be partners, told me it’d be great. This has not been the case. Since I got here, I can honestly I haven’t done a thing. Not for lack of trying, mind you.
Since he is the producer, a lot of the responsibility has fallen to him. But every time he makes a track, the SECOND it’s finished, he decides he doesn’t like it and scraps the whole thing. It’s infuriating. He’s made several good tracks, tracks we should have put out or saved or something… he’s obsessed with perfection, but I keep telling him NO ONE STARTS PERFECT. You build there. You start somewhere, and then GET to perfection. Or whatever you’re climbing towards.
The few times he has come to me with something to work on, asked me if I thought I could work on some lyrics and try to make a song out of something, he just expects me to pull it out of my ass. Right there on the spot. I’m not a songwriter yet, I’ve told him that. I never have been, and he knew that coming in. I told him I’d like to learn, that I’d like to work on it and get better. He assumes I should be able to just here a song and BAM! have awesome lyrics. That’s not how it works. So I spend some time on it and come up with a hook or something, BUT by that time he’s moved on. “Oh you’re still working on that? No I decided that track was no good. I’m doing something else now”. And that is the pattern. Always the same.
AND THE MOOD SWINGS. Dear Lord. This cat has been living alone too long or something. One day he’s great, we’re fine! We’ll work on something, it’ll be a good day. The next, he disappears. Don’t see him at all, no idea where he is and he won’t respond to messages. Other days he randomly storms in screaming about some bullshit and how angry he is about… something…
I don’t know… I’m sitting here trying to figure out how much it is to change my flight so I could leave sooner. I’m supposed to be here another entire month and a half. I don’t know if it’s going to work. I thought we’d be gigging WAY sooner than now… I thought we’d be making money to live off of. I only have a few hundred euro left, and there’s no sign of us starting gigs anytime soon. Yesterday I thought we were finally onto something. We thought up a great way of performing, brought in a great guy to jam, and I thought this was finally it. Today I waited for his call to go rehearse, but it never came. I messaged him, no response. When he finally showed up at home, he says he doesn’t think it’ll work and he doesn’t want to do that. Barely 24 hours go by and this new great idea we were all so excited about is suddenly dog shit to throw in the street.
I don’t know. Maybe we will actually start something. Maybe I should fuck all, go home a failure… like I always do… and start again. I “tried” the music thing. Back to theatre maybe. *sigh*. Failing as much as I do sucks. But in the end, it really comes back to me. I have no one to blame but me.
P.S. how bout that lame title?